There are some things I think you should be aware of, now that I’m not exactly around anymore. That’s why I left this letter for you to find, once I decided it was time for us to go to BY’s, because I knew there would be some pretty sticky possibilities in there, and maybe I wouldn’t be coming back.
I did hope you would get a clue on your own, but you’re not a doll, after all, and maybe you need a little extra help figuring everything out? Even stuff that seems, like, really basic and obvious to me? It’s amazing how much easier everything is when your head is solid wood, and not full of some big goopy pudding of messed-up brains.
One thing is that I don’t exactly love you, not the way another human would, but you shouldn’t be all touchy about that, because I’m too close to you to love you. Maybe you can make a big effort and try to understand that? And then, you know, I am solid wood, and I wasn’t made to have my own feelings. I was made to have yours. Frankly, I believe I’ve done a thoroughly heroic job of it, because you know what your feelings are like, Vassa. They’re not exactly a giant, hopping kangaroo of fun to live with.
But here’s the important part: because I carry your feelings around for you, I know that you love me. Way, way more than you ever realized while I was with you, though I bet you realize it now! And that means that you actually love yourself, even though you never realized that, either.
I’m going to be sad when I stop being me, and stop knowing you from the outside, Vassa. See, that’s one feeling I can have by myself! But as long as I was broken off from you, you weren’t going to be able to completely accept who you really are. So that makes it all worth it.